i’m in love with God!
“I’m in love with God,” I think to myself as I go about the ordinary things in my life: school, homework, and dinner. I’m haunted by these memories where I don’t know what I am thinking. I don’t understand what I was feeling. Am I really feeling the emotion of love toward an invisible Being that I believe exists and loves me too?
I’ve imagined non-existent girls - a girl who is beautiful, we share so much in common, she understands me, and feels the same feelings of loneliness that I feel. I believe somewhere out there, she exists and one day we will meet and she will be all that I’ve dreamed of. What about God? Is he real? Is he in my life? Is he really someone I could have a relationship with here and now? Can I be in love with him. My youth pastor always said that love is not an emotion it is a decision. True but I am feeling the emotion of “in love” toward an invisible God? If God is real, is He someone who exists on the outside somewhere in the heavens or is he inside me through the Holy Spirit?
Yes, I certainly had the experience of feeling in love with God, but then the emotions fade away. The season of spiritual dryness sets in. Then comes the real work and commitment. It is what real relationships are made of. I carve out time to put God first everyday. In this dry and barren land, God and I are trying to forge a deeper love, the decision love, and the mature love - more profound than the emotional high of being “in love.” I am seeking God as my Portion.
In this dry and barren land,
God and I are trying to forge a deeper love…
What does seeking God as your Portion mean?
It is nearly impossible to grasp this concept of God as our Portion without understanding that we are God’s Portion first. “For the LORD's portion is his people” (Deuteronomy 32:9). Since God’s desire and passion for us cannot be summed up by mere words, seeking God as our portion cannot be summed up that way either.
Desiring God Himself is ineffable because we are seeking a Person, and not a concept or a stage of enlightenment. It is about seeking the Giver and not the gifts. Imagine a woman who has been wooed by a secret admirer for years, and just says, I’m in love with this man, I have to have him. I want to be his, and I want him to be mine.
My wife touched upon this amazing concept early on in our dating relationship and throughout our marriage. She paints this beautiful picture of how she wants to relate to me. She talks about how the gift of me is really all she ever wants. Not any material gift that I could ever give her, and not pieces of me, but just me. It touches my heart to see that she desires me in the sense of the word Portion. When I ask her if she wants anything for Christmas or for our anniversary, she responds, “I just want the gift of you.” It is the type of love that a married couple can have for one another when it is done right. It is the type of love that is beyond experiences and gifts and words. I catch my wife’s vision and desire for us to simply give each other the gift of ourselves. My one and constant desire is that I would belong to my wife, and she to me. That we would belong to each other for the rest of our lives.
We are God’s Portion. He wants the gift of our hearts, and wants to give us the gift of Himself - God Himself, we say. Having God as your Portion is a heart that says, “I am my beloved’s and he is mine.” God, I want to belong to you, and I want you to belong to me. I want us to belong to each other. To say that God is my Portion means that in whatever sphere of life, whether it be ministry, relationships or work, that He alone is our pursuit and desire.
Seeking God as your Portion is an expression to illustrate a pure desire to know God for it’s own sake and not for any gain. Just as in a friendship or marriage, we like to spend time with one another, get to know one another, share life together for it’s own sake, not because of some gain or purpose.
Desiring the gift of God Himself:
for its own sake and not for any gain or purpose
What are we asking for then, if we declare “God, I want to seek you as my Portion! I want to desire the gift of You.” Before expanding on what we are asking for, the next series of posts will reflect on what are not asking for. Really, it’s the process by which all of our only ifs fall away. These are personal for every individual. For me, I will write about my early walk in Christ where I realize that my portion is not that ideal romantic relationship, nor my definition of success, nor my own comfort and peace.
Observation - Have you ever been in love?
Understanding - How did that feeling of love change over time?
Application - How can you connect with God’s love for you today?
