not comfort
Seeking God as my Portion continues to grow through the most excruciating and painful experiences in my life. I’m sick to my stomach after having drunk some well water from a small Ethiopian village. I know what you’re thinking, why in the world would I drink unfiltered water from a well in a small Ethiopian village? All I have to say is that I’m on my first short-term mission trip and my team leader said that it should be okay. In the morning, I’m feverish and the painful cramps in my stomach are getting worse with each wave. I don’t have the luxury of getting to a hospital or even a bedroom. I’m suffering in nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea all day long during the 15-hour bumpy drive back to the capital where we’re stationed. At about the 9th hour, as I try to hold back the vomit, I momentarily lose control of my other body cavity. I will spare you the gross details, but I had completely soiled my underwear and pants. Soon, I am stinking up our team’s small car.
how do you know that God Himself is your Portion?
With much kindness, the resident missionary who is traveling with us lends me his boxers after I clean up. We make a short stop at a church where our group organize and lead a worship service for them, while I lay in another room on the floor lamenting over my health and embarrassment. It is during my weakest points in my life when I find chapters like Lamentations 3.
I am a man who has seen affliction by the rod of his wrath. He has driven me away and made me walk in darkness rather than light; indeed, he has turned his hand against me again and again, all day long. I relate to Jeremiah’s lamenting to God. In my condition, this is the perfect passage for me as I lay in complete exhaustion and a bit of bitterness toward God - actually, a lot of bitterness. But as I read how Jeremiah’s attitude changed, so does mine.
He first laments over his condition, but when he declares, Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.’
And it was then that I knew it in my heart what all these seeds in my life were leading up to. To declare that the Lord is my portion. Not my comfort, not my dignity, nothing else matters except for Him. What is the profit for serving in this ministry? Is it the sense of accomplishment for achieving my goals? Is it the good feelings I got knowing I’ve helped people? No, none of that matters. It took many such wounds from life before I came to an attitude toward my relationship with God that I am continuing to cultivate everyday. It’s an attitude that says, “more than I want my stomach ailments to end, I want you, God. More than I want to have joy and happiness in my life, more than I want to stop feeling so tired, more than I want to stop feeling so spiritually dry, I want you, God, just you. More than I want any of my circumstances to change, I want you, God.”
It troubled me deeply…
…till I entered the sanctuary of God
It took me many hard steps and lessons for all of my false hopes to die off. Girls can often misunderstand you and even be mean to you at times. Service for the Lord is often a tough, thankless, and fruitless job. Forging a career can be a grinding, exhausting life. And the comforts of life can so easily be shaken up by sickness, our own mistakes, or just life itself. In contrasts to all of these other pursuits in life, Jeremiah declares that, “He who is the Portion of Jacob is not like these, for he is the Maker of all things, including the tribe of his inheritance – the Lord Almighty is his name” (Jeremiah 51:19).
God is your Portion when you want Him no matter what the cost.
Observation - What was the most painful period or event you suffered?
Understanding - Did that draw you closer or nearer to God?
Application - How will you act differently next time you encounter trials and suffering in your life?
