At a recent book club where we discussed “what do do when I’m feeling frustration,” our group got to a deeper level and identified the secondary emotion that can arise from frustration - bitterness. Frustration can come from a blocked goal, but bitterness is an indication that we were relying or depending on that goal for something I feel is essential.

Definition: anger and disappointment at being treated unfairly

Meaning: Bitterness is frustration+ and that plus sign means that there is something we have been putting our ardent hope in, relying in, and depending on. There’s an “only if” hiding there.

What do do (general): Identify the primary emotion underneath the secondary emotion. In many cases, frustration is a good starting point for bitterness, but there are other primary emotions that can lead to bitterness. Also, there is a difference between bitterness and resentment, another secondary emotion, so I double-check that the secondary emotion I’m feeling is bitterness. Because emotional intelligence work takes a lot of cognitive effort, I have to deal with the “fight or flight” response. Go for a run, a fast walk, or even do thirty jumping jacks right where I am. The intense exercise helps release some of the chemical aspects of the emotion and helps engage higher level brain functions. Although emotions are neutral, staying in the same secondary emotion for prolonged periods of time is not sustainable. It can lead to further health problems and/or depression and/or fits of rage. Take care of myself to effectively deal with secondary emotions.

What do to (specific): Bitterness is trying to tell me that I am disappointed about something to which I’ve come to depend and rely on. Interesting that the definition above includes being treated fairly. It’s fair to say that being treated fairly is a need that I have. To have one person in my life in charge of meeting that need puts me in a precarious position. It allows them to deprive me of that need and cause me to feel bitterness. Sometimes bitterness is so unbearable that I will do anything to please the person so that I can have my needs met. It’s helpful to have other people in my life that I can meet my needs, starting with myself.

Treat myself fairly. This means not blaming myself for making mistakes. Mistakes are necessary for learning. I grew up without having models in my life to show me that is okay to make mistakes. Without knowing it, I elevated my parents and other authority figures on a pedestal. I did this because it helped me feel safe that those in charge of me were perfect. It’s easier than accepting that they are imperfect, sometimes deeply flawed or broken, which creates a lot of anxiety in me, especially as a children. However, as an adult, I accept that my parents weren’t perfect and made many mistakes. They were just doing the best they could. And even as an adult, I’m still not able to get all of my needs met from them. I actually get few needs from them now. Which is safety because I really have no control on whether they will meet my needs.

Don’t expect fairness. Remember how disappointment is the result of an unmet expectation? My therapist challenged me once about this. She said that the world is not a fair place. That was a tough pill to swallow, but in the long run it helps me feel less bitter when I know that being treated unfairly is a part of being in this world. Resentment and bitterness often go hand-in-hand. If bitterness is like the hardened pit at the center of my emotion, than resentment is like the tough shell that protects it. Resentment can be bottled up and form apathy or it can be unleashed through anger to tell the world to stay away. For that reason, the tool of ARRR - Accepting Reality Releases Resentment is useful to chip away at bitter feelings. Reality acceptance in this context is accepting that the world is not fair, and the people in it do not treat each other fairly. And perhaps they never will. I’m an optimist and believe in Divine justice. I believe that things have meaning and purpose, and that some higher power works all things for good. But to release bitterness, I need to let go. I need to stop shaking my fists at God. I need to accept the circumstances as they are now, and lay down my version of how I think things should be.

Note: Yet, I still try to make the world a better and fairer place. I wouldn’t want to lose hope that things could be better, or that eventually, things will work for my good. That’s another type of bitterness, when I’ve abandoned all hope that things will ever be fair that I wouldn’t want to fall into. Emotional intelligence work around despair will help unravel that feeling.

Forgive God. I came across a quote from an Atheist recently. It read, “If God exists, he will have to beg for my forgiveness.” I’ve also gone through Steps 8 and 9 in a 12-step context several times as well read books that led me through forgiving all of the people in my life that have hurt me. Names often get list in this forgiveness inventory are myself and my God. Does God need forgiveness? Does he make mistakes? Neil T. Anderson writes that we are not really forgiving God, but revising our false understanding of God to work or act in a certain way. The forgiveness process I enter into forgive God for allowing me to experience such painful and abusive experiences, while exchanging one view of God for another. I lay down my view of God that protects me from painful experiences with a view of God that never leaves me in my darkest hour. I abandon the God on the white horse that rides in and rescues me, with the God who weeps with me and comforts me in my sorrow.

I enter into this process, not because I want to, but because something tells me that I have to. What’s the alternative? To remain bitter with a hardened heart, pushing those away, being useless to those around me? No, I want to remain sweet. And if I have been bitter for a long time, I ask God to soften my heart and make me sweet again. These days, I am praying that prayer to be the best father I can be. I need to learn this so that I can teach my daughter to remain as sweet as she is.